I've held off posting this type of post because I'd hate for this to become a black hole of negativity...which I'm afraid it could easily become for a bit given how my running has been going. But, it's my blog and the points of this post have been floating around in my head for what feels like forever. Don't get me wrong; life is good. However, this is a running blog, so time for another running update.
A long time ago, running was a way to escape dark, difficult times. And it worked. Hard work paid off, and I found joy and friendship and my eventual husband through this great hobby. Recently, though, running itself has been kind of dark. It's totally normal to cry on runs, right? I can't believe myself, but this has been me recently. Too many breakdowns and zero breakthroughs.
The main reason is my foot. Since the fall of 2012, I've had bad pain in my midfoot and big toe. It's arthritis, and I hit a breaking point last June. The constant discomfort, inflammation and swollen foot that felt like it didn't fit right in my shoe became too much. I called to make an appointment with the doctor who did my tendon replacement surgery in my foot in 2007. "Sure," the scheduler said. "It looks like his next available appointment is in February 2014."
This was crushing to hear. I had already decided I wasn't going to start Grandma's Marathon, even though I'd trained. But it was almost summer--prime training time! Missing a race was one thing, but having to deal with the pain for the next eight months was crushing to think about.
I saw a podiatrist instead, whose first question was if I'd seen the doctor I was trying to get into see. He laughed when I told him about how far in advance I had to book out, and then prescribed cortisone shots for my foot to help me at least get through the summer. And guess what? They helped. But now, they've long worn off, and every run over the uneven snow feels like steps closer to snapping my foot in half. Yes, I realize this is dramatic. Plus, I'm 11 days out from my appointment...after waiting almost eight months! You'd think I could get it together. I will say, though, I'm just frustrated. I've long run with a bad gait because of this injury, and it's arthritis -- what can be done? That's why I will see a doctor; I don't have the answers. But if he says surgery, I'll say how soon can we schedule it. I am so tired of this and the fact that I haven't been without pain in more than a year -- it's just a matter of what degree of pain. Good is a dull ache; best is a sore toe at most. Worst is right now, which is a sharp nerve pain shooting out from my toes, with the dull ache in the midfoot there in the background.
I even went back to my podiatrist this past week to get my orthotics re-covered and told him about my pain. He did some strength tests, asked if my foot slaps on the ground when I run (yes), and said it sounds like some sort of peroneal nerve palsy, with the nerve supposedly misfiring from up in my leg down to my foot, resulting in loss of coordination and strength in my foot and leg. Wonderful. Yes, I drag my leg when I run now so it makes sense. He referred me to ANOTHER person to do nerve tests, but I'm going to wait to see what my doctor next week says.
I'm ready for progress instead of things just getting worse and worse with my running. I think that's the source of my frustration. I'm profoundly disappointed in myself and how things have gone with my running over the past several years. It's not like I ever knew my PRs would be my ultimate PRs and then they'd be done. But I've fallen so far off where I used to be, and as hard as I want to work to get back there, I just can't seem to find the right formula to get there. My mind still sometimes thinks I'm the runner I used to be, but my body reminds me I'm not. Seven years have now passed since my high point and it seems so long ago and I feel so broken.
It's just a hobby, and there's so much more to life, but it eats at me when I can't seem to grasp the goals I've set for myself. I don't know if my foot will get better and if I'll still be able to train the ways I used to and do the things I like to do -- tempos, track workouts, hills, etc. I seriously don't have motivation problems, which makes it worse. The winter is rough, but I don't dread the cold and don't see it as an excuse. I would love to be out there busting my ass to work toward my goals if my foot would just cooperate. It kills me to hear others complaining about the weather, or motivation, or having to go to the treadmill. Guess what arthritis apparently also hates? The treadmill. Actually, who am I kidding -- it hates running all together right now.
I sometimes wish I could barter with the universe over injuries....take away this pain and I'll take a week of the flu and a cavity, for example. Pure nonsense. The body will do what it needs to do and sometimes I need to stop and listen more, I guess. I'm just at a loss for what to do, though. I've had stress fractures, and I know after 2-3 months you'll generally be all healed up with a stronger bone, to boot. What about a creaking, inflamed joint that feels like it's reached its breaking point, though? My husband pointed out earlier that I'm going through something many of us will go through...but I'm about 50 years too early.
I'm just not ready to give up yet. Lately I seem to ask myself so many questions on every run. How much more can you take? Why are you out here? What do you even want from this anymore? How is this enjoyable when it hurts so much? Then I imagine just choosing to stop and not do it, and I can't. I need a doctor to tell me exactly what to do with this. I think that's the twisted thing about running in general...we push and push, even when it sucks, because we hope it will pay off somewhere down the road. I keep running like I'm chasing the ghost of my old self and goals and investing in my fitness, just hoping it will pay off somewhere in the near future, when I'll also hopefully be done with these ailments.
Onward and upward.
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